clarity | Up Front Communication

Conversations with ourselves

Apr 17, 2014 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Personal Comments Off

People like you and I spend a lot of time planning words that we are to deliver to other people. It’s impossible to get away from it, really. Every speech is a conversation, every conversation contains mini-speeches, and this is true whether the speeches or conversations are pre-conceived, rehearsed, or utterly spontaneous.

We focus so much on the words we craft to say to others that we forget to spend time to have conversations with ourselves.

Today in the mail I received a lovely parcel of books whose purpose is to inspire, guide, ignite, and focus my work and passions. They contain lots of blank pages, lots of open fields where I can scribble down my thoughts. I opened the parcel quite late in the evening,* too late for me to be able to do any productive reading. While waiting for the books I didn’t so much experience anticipation as benign curiosity; sure, they might be interesting, but really – how much could I expect.

Apparently, my expectations did not match my actual need, nor the purpose that these books are meant to fulfil.

I flipped through them, looked at pages with airy white space and modest text rather than pages densely packed with words. I read a few of the reflective prompts at the top of the pages, and then picked up the whole stack of books and walked around the house a little, hugging them to my chest. That was not the reaction I thought I would have.

What these books are prompting me to do is to have actual conversations with myself. You see, I’m a professional talker – a loudmouth who spends her days broadcasting spoken and written information and her evenings working with people who want to become better loudmouths themselves. With all the talk, noise, and words, I’ve forgotten how to have conversations with myself. When I do spend a few moments in my own head, it is usually whirling with thoughts related to the external world. There is a lot to think about, the things I have to do, the things I want to achieve, dissecting interactions that happened earlier that day or month or year. This internal chatter is all about the external world.

The books, on the other hand, are here to guide me into having proper conversations with myself.

I’ve always maintained that plenty of introspection makes people better speakers. But mental chatter about all the things going on outside of your head isn’t the same thing as introspection. It can be easy for us professional loudmouths to forget that, and it can be hard to remember how to be introspective all on our own.

The package today contained books that will guide me to doing just that. I’m looking forward to having conversations with myself again.

Shared experience is a powerful thing, so share a little in the comments section: have you had a good, thoughtful conversation with yourself lately? If so, how do you get yourself into the right headspace? If not, what could help you have those conversations?

*It is later still while I write this, but I needed to get it out of my head and into text before the thoughts left me for the night.

The communicator you need

Feb 27, 2014 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Getting the message across Comments Off

It may be that the person who makes you uncomfortable, who openly challenges your actions and ideas, who unapologetically but lovingly debunks your dearly held notions is precisely the communicator you need.

Good communicators are not necessarily those who make you feel good or uplifted. They are the ones who bring you clarity, who get their point across without stomping all over your inherent worth. This does not mean they are warm, fuzzy, or even polite. It does mean that their message comes from a place of confidence and knowledge and care. Sometimes those qualities come wrapped in a package that can leave you feeling exhausted and maybe even a little bit bruised.

That communicator, however, has also left you with insight and clarity that you didn’t have prior to your meeting. It is likely they have also given you some motivation and maybe even a little bit of their grit to move forward. It is like a hard workout with a personal trainer who you know cares a great deal about your health and fitness; they may put you through hell, but once you’ve had a glass of water and a breather, you’ll be grinning ear to ear and looking forward to the next session.

Valuable lesson: How to make stress your friend

Oct 16, 2013 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Performance, Uncategorized Comments Off

In my talks on communication and public speaking, I commonly address the flight-or-fight response that difficult speaking situations trigger. While I do train people on how to physically manage their distress symptoms (such as shallow breathing, elevated blood pressure, and the like), the way you perceive the stress response matters hugely. As McGonigal points out, if you view your body’s stress response as one of positive, preparatory excitement instead of negative, performance-shattering fear, you can learn how to use stress to your advantage. You achieve this view through practice, observation, and mindfulness. So watch the video, learn, and apply!

Precious time

Aug 27, 2013 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Getting the message across Comments Off

Time is important.

We all know this. We lead busy lives. Our days fly by. Time is valuable. Time is precious. Time is money. We bill hourly and count down minutes.

The premium on time is what makes it so powerful. Time is a gift. It is respect. It is consideration.

You need to give time to get it. While we are constantly on the hunt for time savers, often what we need to do is give more time to the communication process. This is true for speaking, for teaching, for explaining, for convincing. We don’t need to speed up and jam our content into less time, we need to slow down and give the message the time it needs to be delivered.

Give your words space. It takes time to gather our thoughts, to put them into words, to speak them, for the listener to hear them and process them. Breathe. Time is a blessing. It enhances the most important part of messages and demonstrates that you value the conversation you are having.

Taking time may be as simple as slowing down how quickly you speak (contrary to popular belief, making speedy, quick, snappy retorts often does not make you seem more intelligent; in many, many contexts or situations it can make you appear panicky and reactionary or worse). It may mean keeping your mouth shut and giving the other person time to speak. It might require filling the air with silence instead of words – one of the hardest things to do. It may even mean giving a long chunk of time for your message to be digested. Step outside the room, sleep on it, give yourself or the other person hours or days to think about the conversation and build a calm response instead of blurting a fast reaction.

Time is one of the most beautiful communication tools. Make the most of it.

The Joy of Euphemisms

Dec 18, 2012 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Getting the message across, Tactics Comments Off

Layered meaning makes conversation so much more interesting. While plain-speak is generally the best way to conduct most business – after all, one’s goal should never be to stymie your clients or colleagues – there are opportunities where you can have some fun in a conversation and imply the Things that Cannot Be Said Aloud. Euphemisms and layered meaning enables you to say impolite things in a manner acceptable to polite company. It reminds me of the snide jabs exchanged across society dinners you read about in Jane Austen’s books.

The beauty of euphemisms is that they are remarkably adaptable to your needs. You can dial the clarity, drama, or comedy up or down as needed. Furthermore, the fact that euphemisms require interpretation means that you can give veiled opinions and allow the other person to make of it what they will. When you can’t call someone an “unbelievable douchebag,” you can say they are “determined and honest.” Someone who feels the same way as you about said douchebag will understand exactly what you are getting at. Someone who for some unfathomable reason likes that douchebag will probably acknowledge your comment as a fair observation on that person’s personality.

Coming up with good euphemisms requires a good vocabulary, a good sense of timing, and solid control and deployment of appropriate facial expression. Delivering a euphemism with a deadpan voice and expression can result in a very different implication from one delivered in falsetto with a clenched tooth smile. Because it can be easy to slip from a well-delivered euphemism to outright sarcasm and nastiness, understanding the mood of your audience or conversant and whether or not it is a good time to use this conversational tool is paramount. I usually keep heavy euphemism use to situations that are relatively casual or light in tone. I’ve also deployed them specifically to break tension and acknowledge elephants in the room without actually putting a neon sign over said elephant. Attempting this in circumstances that require absolute plain speak and clarity would not be appropriate, nor would it be suitable in extremely serious situations.

If you want to improve your use and timing of euphemisms, I strongly recommend paying attention to classic stories of manners such as those by Jane Austen, checking out Oscar Wilde’s work, and watching lots of skilled comedians (I particularly like Rick Mercer, Jon Stewart, and Ricky Gervais). Practice your vocabulary-fu by taking straightforward statements and changing the words around so you express the same thing in a completely different manner. Then, practice doing so with different vocal intonations and facial expressions – preferably in front of a mirror. Like anything else, you will improve with practice.

Have fun with euphemisms. They are remarkably fun communicative devices!

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