Likeability | Up Front Communication

Communicating Intimately #2: The Experience

Jan 20, 2013 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Connecting Comments Off

The funny thing about establishing intimacy with an audience is that it doesn’t necessarily matter whether you, the speaker, feel that an intimate moment has been shared. Like just about any desired emotion, what really matters is that your audience feels it. They, quite frankly, don’t give a damn about what’s going on in your own head, and neither should you. The audience’s focus is on their own personal feelings and experience. Your focus also needs to be on your audience’s experience.

What constitutes an intimate experience for your audience, be it an audience of 1 or 1000? It’s when they feel that you, the speaker (or manager, or persuader, or whatever you may be) gets them. They feel that you understand them, their context, their desires, their needs, their wishes. They feel that you care about their problems and are helping them improve their own lives on an individual level. Because they believe that you do (or would) understand them, they feel that you can also relate to them, that the two of you have something in common. That feeling of connection can happen whether you are sharing a one-on-one conversation or you are speaking to an anonymous group of people comprised of individuals you will never actually meet. It doesn’t matter that you, the speaker, feels this connection. Your audience feels it. Because they feel it, they will most likely accept what you have to say as right and/or reasonable.

Your job is to create that feeling of connection and intimacy. The difficulty is that you as the speaker become wholly responsible for generating that feeling. The speaker must be willing to forgo every consideration of their own comfort and constantly, constantly, constantly strive to establish an intimate connection with the audience. The audience doesn’t – and shouldn’t – give a crap about your own state. Your job is to project whatever it is you need to project to create intimacy.

Are you physically, mentally, or emotionally tired? That doesn’t matter. You need to appear energised and alert; the audience must see that you are energized about speaking to them. Energy means you care.

Are you completely bored about the topic at hand? That doesn’t matter. The audience needs to believe that you think that topic is the most important thing you could be speaking about at that moment. If you show that you don’t care about the topic, then neither will they. Boredom is the death of intimacy.

Are you uninterested in or lack knowledge about your audience? That doesn’t matter. You must either find something about them that interests you or be able to flawlessly imitate interest. The audience absolutely must feel that you find them worth your interest if they will allow an intimate connection to be established. Do your homework about your audience and find something out about them that interests you; become knowledgeable about the people you are speaking to. If your audience is small, you may potentially discover something about them on an individual level. If your audience is large or you don’t have the means do find out much about them, then research the company they work for, or the area they live in, or the culture they come from, or their demographic, or their interests. There is always, always, always something you can learn about your audience that will help you become interested about them.

Are you disdainful about your audience? Then fix that attitude, fast. It doesn’t matter if your experience or qualifications leads you to think you are somehow better than them. Your audience will pick up on your disdain within moments of you starting to speak. Something will betray you – the words you use, the posture you adopt, your tone of voice, a way of behaving that you never considered. Once your audience picks up on this, they will reject you and everything you have to say. If you are approaching a speech or conversation with feelings of superiority or disdain, then you again need to research your audience and learn something about them that you can respect. Intimacy cannot exist without respect, and respect is the antidote to disdain.

Are you in a foul mood? Then do something before you meet your audience that improves that mood. Go for a walk, meditate, look up funny pictures of cats. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it makes you feel better. If you are surly, your audience will become surly. No one wants to connect with a cantankerous swab.

Are you an anxious or nervous speaker? Learn some techniques to control your anxiety. Stage fright is normal, but you must appear confidence. Audiences want to connect with strong, confident speakers – speakers who look and act as though they can help them solve their problems. Learn how to project confidence externally even when you are quaking internally.

You, speaker, need to set aside your own state of being and focus entirely on what will create the desired state of being to those you are speaking to. So what if you felt that you just delivered the best speech of your life and that you really felt a connection with your audience? The real question is, did your audience feel the same way?

(Hand)Written words

Sep 17, 2012 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Connecting 2 comments

There is something magical about receiving a hand-written note. Assuming that the content of the note is desirable, they give a sort of warm fuzzy feeling that can only be approximated by flowers or a box of chocolates.

As communication now is all about instantaneous delivery, hand-written greetings – especially when delivered by mail – are rendered more charming by their slowness. They tell the recipient that the writer took the time to scratch out something on paper rather than pounding it out on a keyboard; that the writer bothered to put the note into an envelope, was willing to *gasp*pay for a stamp to send it, and find the now-rare-species of Mailboxus to deposit the note.

Hand-written notes have personality. As the quality of our handwriting deteriorates, our hand becomes less perfect and more packed with personality and quirk. There may be scratched-out words and spelling mistakes galore. These are things that would be unforgivable when written in a program with spell-check but strangely charming in this context. They boast greater sincerity (whether real or no) then something printed out in perfect computer-based font. Our array of digital fonts can never provide the same communication of sheer character than a single hand-written note.

One of the best business relationship building weapons I have in my arsenal is a pack of old-fashioned Thank You cards. I go through quite a lot of these. There are always occasions where you can send someone such a card. Thank people who have taken you for coffee or lunch. Thank professionals who have gifted you with time in one way or another. Has someone gone above and beyond what they promised you? Send them a thank-you card. Did you receive a referral? That’s another thank-you card occasion. Send them out with abandon. They feel great to send and wonderful to receive. But the rub is that they must be an actual card, with a hand-written note, mailed to the intended recipient.

If you are concerned that sending out such cards seems too familiar, too grannyish, or too feminine, despair not! There are so many varieties of these cards out there that you can easily find ones that suit your personality, the character of your recipient, or even the specific reason for the thanks. For my business-related thank you cards, I prefer to go for a more masculine colour scheme, font, and colour. Personal thank you cards run the gamut from elegant and feminine to bold and a little hyper. It is actually rather fun picking out the most appropriate card from the pile.

Including postage, each thank-you card ends up costing me about $2 and takes about ten minutes to write. They invariably have more impact than any thank-you note sent over email. It’s cheaper and faster than taking someone out for coffee, and the warm feeling lasts much longer.

Charisma matters

Aug 8, 2012 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Business behaviour Comments Off

I’ve spent most of the past week flat on my back fighting a vicious sinus infection. Unable to string together a single coherent sentence in written or spoken word, I settled for laying on the couch watching lousy television and feeling sorry for myself.

Much of that layabout time was spent watching old episodes of the BBC Dragons’ Den. I love that program in all its iterations – the BBC version, the American version (called Shark Tank), and my personal favourite, the Canadian version. Taken with the usual heavy grain of reality TV salt, the programs are a great little lab to study human posturing. It is equally interesting seeing the potential investors’ responses to the business pitches or the individuals themselves. I’ve often heard the investors say that while they are interested in the business, they have no faith in the person presenting the pitch and don’t want to invest in them. On the other hand, I’ve also seen them take risks on early-model or only partially formed businesses because the individual pitching it was so compelling.

So say it with me together, boys and girls: likability matters!

It matters so, so much. You know those people who for some reason can say the most outrageous and insulting things, and people continue to delight in their company? They’re likable. What about those people who, no matter how intelligent or correct their statement may be, will still raise the ire of everyone in the room? They probably aren’t likable, and probably couldn’t say anything that would please their present company.

A big factor for likability is openness and candor. Often a lack of likability is due more to a chilly or withdrawn manner than actual social awkwardness. There was an especially good example of the impact of likability from the series’ third episode. Despite the stuffy, angry, uncomfortable, exhausted haze through I was viewing the program, I became very excited about this particular clip. It is a case study in why a chilly demeanor will get you nowhere when trying to persuade others, and why it is rarely – if ever – a good thing to hide information.

I have to link to the entire episode, but the bit to watch is the disposable outdoor furniture pitch, which runs from 30:30 to 41:08:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9E4l34WgvM&w=420&h=315]

What a frosty presentation! I’ve seen people get away with making far ruder retorts than that woman and yet who don’t put off the investors as much as she did. Dragon Rachel actually tells the woman flat out that a big portion of her refusal to invest in the idea is down to the woman’s behaviour: “You don’t come across as very likable…”

Developing your likability is a big, involved topic, but if you are looking for a place to start, start with warmth. Invite and welcome people into your speech and your ideas. Err on the side of too much openness rather than taking the cagey, secretive route. The difference in reception can be astounding!