vocabulary | Up Front Communication

Don’t say sorry

Nov 6, 2013 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Confidence 2 comments

“Sorry” is quite possibly one of the most pernicious words I hear in regular conversation. When used in its truest sense, a sincere sorry is lovely – both strong and vulnerable in the way in admits and accepts responsibility, or empathetic in the way it expresses understanding. These uses, however, are heard with woeful infrequency.

More often than not I hear sorry used as reduction term, as a form of pre-emptive verbal submission. We say sorry when we give an opinion, say sorry for asking for help, say sorry before speaking up in meetings, say sorry as a way to fill silences between sentences. On one hand, this compulsion can be seen as a throw-away word. We have lots of those, little words we use to fill in sound space when our brains are working. The danger of using sorry as a filler or an opener is that is has the same effect on our thinking as standing with our shoulders hunched and gaze low. It diminishes us in our own mind.

Whenever I have heard sorry used as someone’s go-to opener when they begin to speak, it has never resulted in them giving the impression of confidence or competence. This is unfortunate; one of the worst offenders in my circle of acquaintances is a remarkably competent man who gives good ideas and input. Yet instead of presenting his thoughts and ideas fearlessly or with pride, he physically and verbally shrinks, peppering his phrases with sorry.

Don’t be sorry for what you have to say. Don’t even think sorry for what you are going to say. Don’t think or feel sorry for giving your thoughts voice or for “taking up” your listeners time. Putting your ideas forward is an act of generosity, and conversation is an act of sharing. So share without restraint. You can be polite without being sorry, so for everyone’s sake, do so!

Communicating Intimately #1: introducing intimacy

Jan 8, 2013 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Style, Tactics Comments Off

A major goal that I assign to all my clients as well as to myself is that of creating intimacy with your audience. I’ve had people react to this instruction with everything from nervous eagerness to fear and apprehension. The difficulty with intimacy – aside from the fact that it increases our own vulnerability, which I will address later – is that it is a very complex concept. Over the next few blog posts, I’m going to attempt to break down and address the nuances of communication and intimacy.

So here we go – welcome to installment #1: introducing intimacy. Here is a run-down of some of the issues I’ll be exploring further in this series.

Intimacy in communication has nothing to do with romance, attraction, or with the communicating parties even liking one another. A sense of connection is what makes an exchange feel intimate. When this connection (or the perception of it) is achieved, your message will stick with your receiver with far greater strength than it would otherwise. If you really, really want to get through to someone, you need to seek intimacy in the communication, and different circumstances may require in different kinds of intimacies or different tactics to achieve it.

A sense of intimacy can be felt by only one person and still have a powerful effect. Because it is an individual feeling, it can be experienced by members of a large audience just as readily as people in small groups or in one-on-one conversations. When you are the primary communicator, the perception you should be most concerned with is that of your audience, whether big or small. You can feel all the warm fuzzies you like, but if you haven’t triggered a sense of connection among those receiving your message, than you have not created a sense of intimacy. It’s the opinion and the feelings of the receiver that matter.

While the experience of intimacy on the part of the audience is always genuine, a very adept speaker or performer can fake it for the sake of their audience. While demonstrating a desire for connection that you might not actually be feeling is mentally exhausting, there are many circumstances where you may need to fake it for the sake of your audience. There are some key physical, vocal, and facial expressions that demonstrate “reaching out” to an audience or receiver. Being able to realistically demonstrate these on cue when you are not feeling overly connected to an audience takes a great deal of practice. When we look at these skills further, I will yet again be railing at you to spend some solid practice time in front of a mirror.

One of the trickier issues with intimate communication is what level and type of intimacy is appropriate in which situations. The degree of intimacy in communication that is appropriate between co-workers is markedly different than that between managers and employees. Similarly, the type of intimacy that occurs with a motivational speaker and his audience is generally quite different that that between an academic lecturer and her audience. It is well worth taking time to think about what degree of personal connection you would wish to experience as both audience and speaker in differing social and business roles.

Language plays a key component in both the effectiveness of creating an intimate communication as well as keeping the intimacy appropriate to the situation at hand. At times, your audience needs to you be involved in the message at a personal level; sometimes they really need to you be more objective and distant. Language and vocabulary is the golden key that allows you to navigate these circumstances and still create the intimacy you need. Words have power, and discreet differences in meaning, context, and timing may result in massive differences in the level of trust, comfort, and connection between you and your audience. Know when to mince your words and when to leave them whole. Find authors known for extensive vocabularies and wordplay and read their works; your own word hoard and dexterity will grow. You will come to know which words will help create a feeling of intimacy with your audience and which will turn them right off.

Next instalment: your audience experience of intimacy and getting out of your own head.

The Joy of Euphemisms

Dec 18, 2012 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Getting the message across, Tactics Comments Off

Layered meaning makes conversation so much more interesting. While plain-speak is generally the best way to conduct most business – after all, one’s goal should never be to stymie your clients or colleagues – there are opportunities where you can have some fun in a conversation and imply the Things that Cannot Be Said Aloud. Euphemisms and layered meaning enables you to say impolite things in a manner acceptable to polite company. It reminds me of the snide jabs exchanged across society dinners you read about in Jane Austen’s books.

The beauty of euphemisms is that they are remarkably adaptable to your needs. You can dial the clarity, drama, or comedy up or down as needed. Furthermore, the fact that euphemisms require interpretation means that you can give veiled opinions and allow the other person to make of it what they will. When you can’t call someone an “unbelievable douchebag,” you can say they are “determined and honest.” Someone who feels the same way as you about said douchebag will understand exactly what you are getting at. Someone who for some unfathomable reason likes that douchebag will probably acknowledge your comment as a fair observation on that person’s personality.

Coming up with good euphemisms requires a good vocabulary, a good sense of timing, and solid control and deployment of appropriate facial expression. Delivering a euphemism with a deadpan voice and expression can result in a very different implication from one delivered in falsetto with a clenched tooth smile. Because it can be easy to slip from a well-delivered euphemism to outright sarcasm and nastiness, understanding the mood of your audience or conversant and whether or not it is a good time to use this conversational tool is paramount. I usually keep heavy euphemism use to situations that are relatively casual or light in tone. I’ve also deployed them specifically to break tension and acknowledge elephants in the room without actually putting a neon sign over said elephant. Attempting this in circumstances that require absolute plain speak and clarity would not be appropriate, nor would it be suitable in extremely serious situations.

If you want to improve your use and timing of euphemisms, I strongly recommend paying attention to classic stories of manners such as those by Jane Austen, checking out Oscar Wilde’s work, and watching lots of skilled comedians (I particularly like Rick Mercer, Jon Stewart, and Ricky Gervais). Practice your vocabulary-fu by taking straightforward statements and changing the words around so you express the same thing in a completely different manner. Then, practice doing so with different vocal intonations and facial expressions – preferably in front of a mirror. Like anything else, you will improve with practice.

Have fun with euphemisms. They are remarkably fun communicative devices!

No really, you don’t have to apologize!

Jun 11, 2012 Posted by sergy@upfrontco.com Confidence Comments Off

Many people have a funny habit of apologizing and downplaying their thoughts and opinions the moment they begin to voice them. I first noticed this trend a few years ago while sitting in a meeting, and I have become acutely aware of it ever since. It is highly likely that you do this without even realizing it; I know I certainly have.

What do pre-emptive apologies and downplays sound like? Here are a few examples:

“This is just my opinion, but…”
“I’m only thinking that…”
“I’m sorry, but the way I see it…”
“I personally believe that we maybe shouldn’t use that contractor.”
“Now I’m not sure if this is right or not, but I was sort of thinking that…”

Okay, that last one was a little ridiculous, but I have heard phrases like it so often that I wonder how anyone is capable of taking anyone else seriously. What’s more, we exacerbate the deference with non-verbal signals. These types of phrases are generally accompanies by supplicating or defensive gestures such as placing a hand on one’s heart, shrugging, holding hands in supine (palms up), or in a staving-off position (hands raised, palms facing out towards the other person like the speaker is keeping that person away)

The frequency with which we pre-emptively water down the potential impact of our words is astounding. What’s more, we do this not only in social situations where we are trying to be friendly, but in all areas – including business situations. Watching this practice is business is particularly worrying to me, as it can negatively impact the impression we give of our own confidence, competence, and decisiveness.

I think we need to stop this self-deprecating verbal nonsense.

“But Lauren,” I hear someone cry, “we’re only being polite when we use openers like that! We don’t want to seem bossy or pushy – we’re just softening our words.”

I’m willing to give a little bit of credence to that explanation. Sometimes we do need to soften our openers, particularly when we are dealing with high-strung people who will either bite your head off or burst into tears at the slightest hint of opposition. Generally, however, what we are really doing is protecting ourselves from risk.

Voicing our thoughts and opinions exposes us to a considerable amount of risk. We risk being wrong, possibly losing credibility with our group. We risk being right, which may result in us having to take on the responsibility of acting on or supporting our idea. We risk being objectionable, which may result in members of the group rejecting us as well as our opinion. We risk experiencing emotional pain or discomfort of some variety or another. Most people tend to avoid that like the plague.

Unfortunately, the downside of speaking your mind can be very evident in every day exchanges. People who may be ruffled by that opinion will insert snide comments: “Tell us what you really think!” People who feel insecure around people who express themselves confidently will deride the confident person behind their backs: “Well, they certainly have opinions.” You have probably both heard and said these things; I certainly have. Next time you hear or say these, watch what happens to the conversation. Pre-emptive apologies will abound as people avoid giving their risky opinion.

But as with most things in life, no risk usually equals no reward. The meek don’t get hired into positions of authority, the uncertain don’t make the sale, and the apologetic become doormats. If you want to be polite, you can do so without resorting to diminishing your opinions. Politeness tends to come across more in tone of voice and body language than it does through actual words. Ever wonder why there are some people who can get away with saying outrageous things yet still manage to stay at the top of our “people we really like” list? Watch them closely next time you are around them; you might start to notice key differences in their vocal tone and body language that ensures their audience remains comfortable despite what is being said. It’s a masterful social skill and often occurs quite subconsciously.

So how do we stop using diminishing expressions when we’re giving our ideas or opinions? In terms of vocabulary, it’s pretty straightforward: stop attaching words like “just” and “only” to words like “my opinion” or “my thoughts” or “idea.” Get to your point, don’t beat around the bush, and for heaven’s sake don’t apologize for being a thinking human being. Keep your voice polite and your body non-aggressive. The apologizing is a hard habit to break, but it is worthwhile to be able to leave it behind in most situations and pull it out when circumstance warrants its use.